Today I wanted to talk a little bit about pushing through hard times. To give you a hint, I actually have a whole month coming up on the blog and my channel all about pushing through… but this week I was thinking about it a lot because of my personal circumstances.

As many of you know, I am currently in physical therapy for pretty much my whole body. lol I have a tilted pelvis which makes my legs uneven and because of that my back leans to the side which in turn affects my shoulders and jaw. Even though I’m ok with all of it and I’m actually grateful just to have all my limbs and to be able to walk… sometimes I get hit with this wall of emotions that break me down. These injuries have been a huge part of my life since I was 12 years old and sometimes the hope that I HAVE to keep alive in order to keep moving forward and training and looking for solutions is PAINFUL….HAVING HOPE IS PAINFUL! That, coupled with the physical pain itself from the injuries I have is sometimes so overwhelming that it leads to crying breakdowns in Target parking lots with Dan…. (see last night for details. LOL)

Anyways, I want to touch on that one thought… because I feel like a lot of you are going to be able to relate to me… the thought that hope is painful… or at least it can be. It can also be invigorating, healing and comforting….. but it’s painful…Because when you choose hope, you actively know that you may be let down…. that you’re kind of taking a gamble…. so while hope can provide you with enthusiasm, peace and vision… deep down inside, you also know that you may be wrong….your situation may NOT get better…you ,ay be let down AGAIN…and the let down seems like it will be so much more painful if you emotionally have far to fall… so sometimes it seems easier to not hope… to just be ok with your current situation.

Hope involves an element of fighting!

SO, now that I set the debbie downer tone, you may be asking “ well then Nikki… why should I choose hope?”.. and let me answer by saying this….

Your turning point may be just ahead of you! 

I’ve been dealing with these injuries for a long time… but other people have conquered things that they struggled with for a lot longer…. Who am I to give up now just because its too painful to “possibly be let down again?”…..Am I going to roll over and take the pain for the rest of my life just because I’m more comfortable with that pain? I’m going to feel pain one way or the other… so I’d rather chose the pain and the beauty of hope and what comes along with it than roll over and stay where I am…. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can avoid pain by staying still….. I refuse to believe that this is how I’ll feel forever… and if it is, oh well.  I FOUGHT!=)

I’m going to keep fighting everyday because also guys… I believe every day is a fight. A fight against the flesh.. a fight to refuse what you want now for what you want MORE. A fight to choose love and hope every day.

SO, if you feel down.. like you cant keep going… and you’re afraid to choose hope, let me encourage you to CHOOSE HOPE!

I feel like this post was a bit corny and rambley… (then again I’m kind of permanently corny and I always ramble…lol) but it’s how I’m feeling right now… and I hope that this makes sense and can help some of you feel inspired to keep going through what you’re going through, and to not give up.

I love you all and I cant wait to hear your thoughts below =)

PS- I uploaded a new #howtobehappyjanuary video today on my youtube channel! 

Nikki Phillippi


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17 Discussion to this post

  1. Trena says:

    Thanks for speaking so open and honestly! Everything in life doesn’t always come easy, it takes a fight!

  2. Emily Olson says:

    I LOVE your authenticity & honesty! So grateful for YOU!

  3. Tanya says:

    Having lived with arthritis for 15 years (more than half my life) and had 5 joint replacements, I made a decision at some point to be positive and look for the happy in my life because let’s face it, there are people who are way worse off than me. This being said, hope is painful. I agree with that statement whole heartedly. Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure because I have hope that today is going to be different. Today the pain isn’t going to be there or the medication and physical therapy will actually work. But, painful hope is better than the depression I fought as a teen. Everyone needs hope, even if it hurts, because without it, pain and all, life would be a pretty sad place. Thank you for sharing this post!

  4. Lloyd says:

    There is something about perseverance through trials that creates changes in a good way in people. Although I am sorry that you have to deal with this pain Nikki, I believe it contributes to your amazing ability to inspire and encourage other people. You are appreciated!

  5. Meena says:

    Thank you Nikki, this is exactly how I’m feeling. I was diagnosed with lupus at the age of 14 and its meant on and off having to choose hope and fighting even when it was hard. Two years ago I suffered one of the worst emotional and physical flare ups of my condition and it left me in the lurch. Although a lot better now, I really thought 2015 was my year of getting back physically, I even tried going to the gym and swimming but I took two steps forward and nine steps back…. And unfortunately it didn’t work out. Since then I’ve had to really fight hard to believe that I my body is still have to recuperate physically, like yours but again it makes me scared to think I might fail again should I go back to the gym or do weights and even try again.. So I’ve been despondent..: that being said I’ve been talking to God about it and I feel I know I can now get myself back up but it may take longer than I imagined and require a little more hope than I had before and that’s okay; like you said; its better to hope than roll over!! This post is so real to me and touches me; thank you so much for posting it… You’ll get through this!! 💓💓

  6. Rachel says:

    Love this! So truthful and you really put yourself out for this so THANKYOU. I am only 13 and sometimes feel like I’m losing at life. But thanks to you I now know to CHOOSE HOPE as you so explicitly said, no matter what the circumstances. THANKYOU Nikki!!!

  7. Rebecca says:

    Thank you for this post Nikki. I understand completely where you are coming from with this. Im 19 and I have chronic fatigue syndrome and I have been bed bound at times. But I always chose hope. I started getting better and I was so so happy! I started going out and doing things I couldnt do 12 months ago. And then I got bad again after having two viruses and its kinda made me give up and feel like there is no hope. But deep down I know I can get better again. I just need to have hope and be positive and help myself out as much as I can. And my doctor is a miracle worker 🙂
    Thank you, for all of your posts and videos. You are so inspirational I love hearing from you.
    Lots of love x

  8. Erika Andersen says:

    Nikki, I am so grateful to have found you on youtube for a couple of years back! I’ve been on and of youtube a lot, made new users and deleted old ones, but I’ve ALWAYS watched your videos and seen what you’ve been up to, because you’re the kind of person that I’ve always needed in my life. You’re a true inspiration to me, and just thinking about the past, and how much of an influence you’ve had on me brings me to actual tears! If I could ever get a chance to give you a hug and tell you that in person, I would be the most happy person in the world lol. You have inspired me to be more honest, happy, curious, open and me. Be me. I also have a LOT of pain in my body, but I don’t know yet where it all is coming from or why I have it, but when I read your posts and listen to you on snapchat and youtube, I see myself having the same kinda pain as you and in the same areas, so maybe I have something in the area of what you have?!? Idk, I’ll find out when I can afford a doctor lol. I know how it is to lie in bed crying at night because I can’t find a comfortable way to lie, and I agree that hope CAN be painful, but that’s just life. And like you said, you have to choose pain one way or another, and I too choose the pain that lies in hope. I want to be optimistic about the future, not fear it or dwell in sadness and anger towards my own body in this moment. I want to be happy for the things I can do, and that is a whole lot thanks to you. You’ve changed my mindset for the better, and I’m so grateful to have you in my life, even if it’s just virtual lol!
    Thank you so much for being you. I love you so much and wish you the best in life <3 <3
    – Erika

  9. Svenja says:

    Hey Nikki,
    first of thanks for writing this article.
    It’s kind of weird that I just read this article right now… I’m actually dealing with something (it’s nothing physical like what your dealing with) and i seriously was about to give up hope…
    I actually was just thinking about finally giving up and letting go right before I read your article.. I think I just needed that. Sometimes fighting is hard.. but like you said in the end you can at least say that you fought!!!
    So thanks 🙂
    Second of I love you. I’ve been watching your videos for a while now and you inspire me. Keep doing what your doing I just wish you the best! hope you have a nice day Oh and I really hope your injuries are going to get better! Never give up because in the end it’s so worth it!
    Your Svenja

  10. Bredonda says:

    I’m introducing an advice column in my blog called Much Love Advice. I’ve been told many times that giving advice is my strong point. I love being there for people so please check out my blog and help this column come to life.

  11. Andrea says:

    Love this and so very true!!!! Thanks for the inspo, Nikki ❤

  12. Christina says:

    Thank you so much Nikkie for being so open and honest. I suffer from anxiety and its pretty high at the moment. It was nice reading your article to encourage me to having HOPE!

  13. Marissa says:

    Dear Nikki,

    Your thoughts on hope are moving. It is so true. I am closest whith this virtue as I have recently been going through a lot of troubles. Sometimes I blamed myself so much for not seeing any results as I held my hope to such a high level. I then continued to take certain types of decisions and turn them around leading to strengths I never knew I had.

    I think hope is a superpower.

    Because as you hope; each blessing is more believable, more genuine, and seen as a true gift.

    btw, I have a chronic pain disorder and these are my thoughts I have on hope and what I think it means daily. Thank you for your sharing your story

    <3 Sarah

  14. Emily Hoffman says:

    Thank you so much! This is so true. Sometimes it’s easier to just sit there and feel bad for yourself instead of choosing hope and getting up; risking that you could fall again and again.

  15. Emily Hoffman says:

    Thank you so much! This is so true. Sometimes it’s easier to just sit there and feel bad for yourself instead of choosing hope and getting up; risking that you could fall again and again.

  16. walaa says:

    ” I believe every day is a fight. A fight against the flesh.. a fight to refuse what you want now for what you want MORE. A fight to choose love and hope every day.”
    you get me with this .. I love you so much Nikki , by the way I’m from Egypt.. Recently I had alot of bad days. and thanks for your videos I’m moving on and smiling.. you don’t know how much your videos inspires me. I hope you get better you can do it you are stronger than you know.. and keep that beautiful smile for me I woke up every day and watch your snaps and videos to go on my day .. thanks Nikki for what you’ve done and what you are going to do .. love you xoxo

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